As bad as it gets

My life as a dog - was one of my favorite movies. Although I watched it first only in my early twenties, I very much identified with the 12 year old Ingemar. That movie sort of created a panic urge in me to create happy memories with my family. I've not been that successful though. Just as it happened to Ingemar, I don't have many photos, videos or even many happy memories with my mom. And she is dead.

In my late 30s, I suspect I'm beginning to identify more with the misanthrope character played by Jack Nicholson in As good as it gets. But that would actually be painting a much more rosy picture than it is. Perhaps you can imagine another movie, with Bergman directing it -  As bad as it gets!

A Lonely Path

An acquaintance committed suicide last Monday. Apparently she had been separated from her husband for 6 months and was living with her parents.

What surprised me was that she took this decision despite being a mother of a very young son. Must have been a rash decision or she felt her son would be protected by someone else.

In hindsight, she did look a bit troubled in the recent past. She always smiled and waved at our daughter, but she must have felt so lonely.

When our daughter told me that she had passed away, I didn’t believe it. I even started “looking for her” with our daughter to reassure all is fine. Few days later, when our daughter again said that this aunty had joined my mother, I realized something is amiss. On making enquiries, it turned out to be sadly true.

***

It does get pretty lonely in life. Right now, other than our daughter who is too young to consciously love or feel protective about me, I do not have anyone who can offer a 'protective cover'.

But I realize being an adult, and a father, is all about making this lonely furrow in space and time. And trying to offer this protective cover for her. But things get a bit complicated when one's presence is making things worse, more than the absence. So I guess, people have to figure this out, according to their situation.

I don’t mean to dismiss close family, friends, and other relatives who do care. But holding someone’s back, having the capacity to offer this protection, is a different proposition.

I wonder if other animals, both wild and domestic, may have a better grasp of this need for protection, because it is quite literal.